Journal – 8th July 2021

It is the morning of The 8th of July 2021, I have recreated my website with wordpress. In the past I have created my own site from scratch, however, now I feel that the labour of web development from scratch is unnecessary and I must make better use of tools that will make my life easier.

The site I did yesterday morning. This week I’ve been extremely depressed, stressed, anxious and unmotivated. As usual my naivety has put me in a position where changing my routine has had a catastrophic affect on my mental well being. I was relatively stable last week and many weeks prior however last weekend I went to meet a friend and this event exhausted me for the weekend and I no longer had the energy to do my previous plans.

I am restless and my mind cannot stop thinking about doing the next thing and doing it faster. Then getting overwhelmed by those feelings and procrastinating, sometimes for many days at a time and in the past weeks, months and arguably years.

Yesterday was a pretty good day actually since I got my site up but I do have stuff this weekend that is stressful. It’s a holiday so I must be prepared and it involves a pretty long trip.

Over the past couple of years of government tyranny in Britain, I have felt as if all the policies and new social rules are perfectly designed to make my life as miserable and unbearable as possible. I don’t like being confrontational but I also can’t stand wearing a mask, I know that it’s effectiveness in preventing the spread of virus is only short term. Long term it becomes less effective and the growth of bacteria actually lowers the immune system effectiveness. Masks are a scam, don’t get me started on the “vaccine” that isn’t even a real vaccine where people are having all kinds of horrible reactions to it and in some cases dead children. Meanwhile the actual virus seems to only be killing people who’re already on their deathbed for the most part. It’s about conformity, it has nothing to do with the danger of a virus.

I suppose I’ve decided to use this morning today to vent my mind. Now more than ever, I feel I have nobody to talk to. I know my family doesn’t understand and trying to talk with them about anything is a waste of time, I can’t even talk about my projects because they’re so closely tied to my own sense of perception and identity.

Often it’s tricky to arrange to meet with friends and I’ve gained and lost friends so quickly in the past that my subconscious mind perceives it a wasted effort to try and make friends. The pain of losing is often too great for it to be worth it. There’s only been a few rare periods where I’ve managed to get out of this situation by having surplus self esteem to deal with the loss of friends.

My mother visited me a few days ago, I have to be careful what I say around her so I tend to just talk about me and Plum, perhaps a book I’ve been reading, tidying the house. It’s better than nothing but it’s no substitute for total transparency.

Getting the life balance right is tricky and staying motivated is a real challenge when everything that I’m already struggling to hold together gets even more difficult. The world rewards every trait that I do not have. I would never wish Aspergers or any mental problem on my worst enemy.

There are some upsides to my personality, In order to move forward I must play to those strengths. I feel almost embarrassed the write my strengths, that’s telling of how low I am in this moment. I am highly creative, Intelligent, problem solver, hard working, introverted, visionary and focused. The trouble I face is that I often do not believe I am these things because of my low mood. A change in routine and suddenly I lose grip on my sense of identity, when I come back next week from camp I must dive straight back into my routine and be very specific and productive on the projects I want to complete and complete them soon.

My typical routine would involve Meditation, Learning Polish, Exercise (Walk, Cycling and or some Press Ups/etc) in the morning. I would often make a big meal in the morning too, it’s easier to get that chore out the way early on. Followed by the day spend either in games development or working on a short film. Games Development on Mr Rex I would do during the main week and production on a short film at the weekend.

I go to bed at 10PM or try to at least as that’s when Plum is supposed to go to bed and 10AM is Plum’s waking time. I typically wake up earlier and do some work earlier in the morning on the little Surface computer I have downstairs away from my room. Previously I have done writing for Mr Rex in the early morning regardless of day and recently I’ve done some animation but I’ve also been procrastinating quite a bit the past few days for obvious reasons relating to my instability.

  • It’s now 14:47

I had to go do something else. My mother showed up. We had a somewhat uneventful conversation, again I felt like I had to watch myself. I have many reasons to be anxious about these interactions. Then after waking up and playing with Plum in the morning, The afternoon I spent time watching video essays on youtube about FLCL, Classic Disney and some other art. I like video essays as they’re a bit like deep dive bonding and clear explanations of the meanings put nicely into words on the art we appreciate. FLCL is a show I’ll have to rewatch.

I’m feeling a bit more upbeat now. I’ve got a list of things to do today. No I’m going to go and cycle to get a new toy for Plum. When I get back I’m going to do all the chores hopefully ready for tomorrow and then I shall be absent until late on Sunday. Week after I should be able to stand up again. I don’t have a new short film ready just yet, I think I could storyboard something while I’m out but we’ll see. Also switching to my smartphone from my flip phone as there’s a few things I’ll need it for. I’ll also be moving my other tech to my room to play music automatically during the day as Plum is on his own for a day without me for the first time. A friend is going to keep him fed etc.

I can’t wait for this week to be over. Now’s the perfect time to start journaling regularly. I remember it was hugely beneficial to me and my wellbeing at my darkest moments and also my best moments. I would only drop it out of exhaustion but even a half assed journal can be a good use of time. It’s annoying having to track hundreds of habits though so I often try to minimize my habits to some degree.

That is all for today’s journal writing. Long live the king or something!

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