Yesterday was great. Loads of progress on my 2 month project, I’m feeling more optimistic now. Can’t say much though otherwise good progress and was happy despite a headache. Plum was very cuddly today.
Today I got up a bit later again, actually forgot to set the Coffee machine to go off at 5am last night so I decided to go along with that. Morning was fine, no walk and no big breakfast though. Just 40 mins of meditation and porridge.
I’ve been ruminating this morning about my past experiences, how every community I go to I never feel like I belong in and every new person I meet who is too different to me I now dismiss. At one point I thought I could change people or at least be in a position of mutual respect, unfortunately this was quite naive of me. Having to let go of people is a painful experience if you’re extremely lonely. These journals sometimes become more personal so if you’re reading this looking for updates on my projects you won’t find it here too much. I hope to have more Mr Rex related updates coming up in the weeks to come. (and I CAN’T talk about my other project too much).
I have lost a “friend” recently. I’m usually not going for confrontation, I tend to avoid it but there’s certainly a line where it has to be done. Perhaps that’s normal and that the only reason I’m still thinking about it is out of habit (I want to be humble and learn so I think about these things over and over again when it’s a wasted effort), perhaps the eureka I must come to here is that I must be able to put these things behind me for good and focus on the now and the future. I believe now that thinking of the past as If I’ve done something wrong is entertaining the views of my enemy. I’ve been treated like I am evil and a monster from people who I thought loved me, people I considered my friends, people who from X moment would listen to nothing I had to say and say nothing in response to my prying questions and then lie to themselves and others about how “loving and open minded” they are.
When you are abandoned like that over and over again. What can I ever gain but despair from naively hoping for things to be better? I want to be accepting but I rarely get that back, I want to be humble but I rarely get that back, I don’t want to be arrogant but that’s all I get, I want knowledge yet nobody speaks it. Being the outlier is perhaps a blessing and a curse, the common man thinks emotionally and can be swayed by tricks and nudges from their network. Meanwhile my thinking puts less emphasis on this and more on objectivity, skepticism and inquiry. It his has lead to is constant resentment and misunderstanding. I want peace yet not badly enough that I believe the lies, my insistence on Truth is something a lot of people don’t understand. I can’t live without this insistence as who am I to trust, a minority or no one?
The only conclusion I can draw from this now that I’ve written this all down, the good the bad and the ugly is that I simply needs to adapt and become more courageous. This should and must not entail sadism, hatred or any kind of resentment. I have enough of that and I want it gone. The solution is simply to care a little less, focus on what’s important in my life and create more positive experiences for myself. I must trust my gut and distrust the matrix. I cannot achieve peace in my life by complying with evil nor by resisting the need for courage.
Today I am grateful for the good others have done for me and I am pleased that in me still lies the good to help others. Today I wish to be productive on my projects and to be undisturbed by the horrors of the past. I’d like the courage to step into a better context for myself. The few times that has happened, I have been so much happier. The past no longer exists.
Also side note, I stopped listening to music for a few days and my ability to focus has improved drastically.
Listen to music in moderation. Quit cold turkey if you can/must.