Depressive Rock Bottom followed by a Pretty Good Morning – 14-15th September 2021

Yesterday sucked, seriously. I hit emotional rock bottom, all my negative thinking just rapidfired the entire day. The despair of my situation really sank in and haunted me to my core. I had back pain, I had unbareable emotional pain. Too many bad things had happened in a short space of time yet again. A family member visited that morning unexpectantly to complain how I’m not good enough and I need to get my life sorted while I’m stressing about the very things that would be sorting my life out. I also associate this person with a lot of trauma. I find these things really hard not to take personally and especially at my lowest in terms of esteem and mood this really destroyed me. I really have so many things on my mind, a job and the cleanliness of the house really isn’t my primary concern.

I went for a 3-4 hour walk that day just to try and get my head clear. I was in pain, my back was killing me. I did get to eat some blackberries. When I got home I had no energy to do anything so I tried watching the god father but I found it boring so I watched Anime and did other things instead. My gaming chair helped to ease my back pain. I usually sit in a wooden chair as I find the gaming chair can often cause me to be lazy with my posture and lean back instead of forward.

I felt better after resting. I realise I’m actually not getting enough sleep, I need to go to bed earlier. Especially if I can’t rely on Coffee to buzz me in the morning. Tea works too though.

The following morning, today, I felt a lot better, I still rested a lot during the morning, I didn’t even have the energy to put my clothes on. I kind of say there for 90 minutes awake just getting my brain steady. After that cleasing you could say, I got upstairs and back to work. I’ve made good progress this morning on the game. I’m feeling a lot better.

Perhaps I will get a job, but frankly I just need to block out time after these two big projects to promote myself. Those projects being the game and a short film for a Spooky Film Festival coming up next month! Time to hustle and thank god I have some of my energy back, I hope I can keep going from here.

Who knows if yesterday hadn’t happened whether yesterday would’ve been a productive day. Maybe but I’m glad I feel like I’m back to my old self a bit. This morning I also spent time listening to some podcasts of people I like and trust, that gave me some sense of re-grounding.