Well well. Yesterday sucked, I achieved basically nothing. I just had zero energy to do anything and my mind was racing with negative thoughts. A family member visited and we thankfully had some good conversations, of course I didn’t say too much. Whenever I’m open about my darkest feelings it tends to just cause drama and hurt the people around me. Sometimes it’s difficult to know whether what I’m thinking is true or a dillusion. There’s this annoying paradox with subjective thinking where a Psychotic person may accuse their opposition of gaslighting or invalidating their viewpoint. I of course try to be objective, a lot of conclusions I stand by came in a state of soberness. That being a said, I have felt drunk with negativity so I believe I have had a swell of exaggerated at the very least views on the world. I do think the solution here is to create a lifestyle where I’m simply not isolated and I talk to people every day. Trouble is I’m so anxious, I can’t even check emails from people I know fall outside my zone of trust. You can hardly blame me for being so anxious about people when I’ve naively assumed goodness in people only to be abused in the end. It’s not a good place to be, assuming people to be hostile and dangerous but it’s the only conclusion one could come to with my history. I need to talk to my friends more and make it a habit. Here’s a list of things I could do.
- Get a new Part Time Job
- Start a multiple times weekly Podcast / Stream (Like I used to do)
- Actually read messages and go in without so much weight or attachment
- Phone and Call friends on a schedule like I used to. Near daily would be good. Reunite with old friends
- Start shooting Short Films Again, this greatly lifted my mood earlier this year
Yesterday and This morning I have done some animation. It’s such a time consuming process, I might be losing my mind creating these. They’re way too great in a scope but whatever, maybe that’s a good thing. My idea is to do roughs and then do the finished animation upstairs where I have my big fancy tablet. Or perhaps I could bring my tablet down here. hmmm
I tried Coffee this morning, it tasted bitter by default. I read some advice Coffee is it’s lost it’s novelty to add a sweetener, I added a very tiny amount of honey and suffice to say I actually finished the Coffee. So yeah I actually enjoyed Coffee for the first time in a while. All this panic over Coffee Intolerance, maybe I do just need to change the way I make Coffee a little bit to make it more paletable. I’ll see how this goes long term. I’ve felt way more motivated this morning. It could be like yesterday where I’m happy in the morning but become depressed during the day, I’ve got to keep trying though and try not to sweat it too much.
Hopefully I can keep myself energized today. I’ll do whatever I can. This animation I’m working on at the moment looks great, I hope I can share soon.