The last couple of days were a bit tricky.
This morning was pretty positive, I listened to my affirmations while walking early. I woke up at 4am, I went to bed early so this makes sense. I had plenty of time to take things easy and slowly rather than being restless as I may have previously.
I’ve watched some videos on Youtube, some videos about childhood neglect, autism, ADHD and an evangelion analysis video for good measure. Since watching the Eva video, I’ve found myself radically rethinking what I do with Mr Rex. Is 45 episodes too much to do in my lifetime? I’m really uncertain about the future and the longevity of myself and others, therefore I’m realising I could boil down the Mr Rex idea into it’s key components and cut ALL the fat. Can I do Mr Rex in just 7 Episodes? The answers is yes, it will be extremely dense though and I’ll probably convey a lot of details and ideas in subtle ways rather than overtly as I would in long-form written mediums. Now I feel quite motivated to make Mr Rex in 7 episodes. The trouble with this is that it would again mean scrapping my current running idea / iteration of Mr Rex. I don’t know, I’ll try writing a script for just 7 quick episodes to cover the basics of those 45 episodes I had previously planned and see how it is. If I were to do this I think I might revert to making it an animated series rather than a game AGAIN but the key difference being that it would never be fully colours. It would be black and while, sketchy and very shooting from the hip. I remember my morning habit of animating for 3 hours each morning. That was great, if I were to keep doing that then I could possibly complete 1 minute of animation every few weeks. Some would be epic and detailed and some would be basic but I think I’d have fun doing it. The more I walk into the gamedev medium the more annoying roadblocks I run into and frankly I don’t think I’m going to see the end of them. Furthermore I feel I have put the pressure on myself to be a lone studio, the capacity of 100 men in 1 man. This is simply delusional and I need to downscale and simplify as much as I can. Maybe I’ll make a 7 episode game, that would be cool but frankly I think The ideas I’m trying to portray in Mr Rex go far beyond what can also fit game play and fun. It’s a lot more intelligent and it seems although I did always want a Mr Rex game, the story itself fits the medium of video. I want Mr Rex to be good quality but I don’t think I can afford to make it long anymore. I’m going to try cutting off EVERYTHING that doesn’t need to be there and just focus on the core ideas.
I’ve felt better this morning despite my coffee tasting awful, I tried a different honey this time and couldn’t stomach it like last time although I’m less bothered by it now unlike last time where I was having a mental breakdown over it as I saw the Coffee as effectively a part of the way to be very productive. So it was breaking when I realised I hated the taste of it. I’ve only had it recently thanks to that honey I added to sweaten it. Maybe Coffee is something I’ll just have from time to time. Getting to bed early though is a real good thing.
Yesterday sucked, I was quite productive in the morning but after lunch my mood and my energy just nosedived. I collapsed on the sofa to sleep and felt even worse after I got up again. I felt suicidal and I had suicidal thoughts, I haven’t had a moment like this perhaps since my breakup or the abuse that happened last year. It was horrible and just writing about it now is so painful. I had to call someone otherwise I was just going to die, I tried calling mother, no answer, I called father and luckily he picked up. We spoke for about 20 minutes and it was mildly reassuring albeit I still felt awful, I had to reassure myself constantly “I’m here for you brother”. Over and over again. This morning too. I had nobody near me so I had to be my own older brother to comfort myself just so I wouldn’t give up.
This is at the very least on a positive note a big wake up call that I will literally die If I don’t treat myself like a human being. This morning I tried looking up gyms to go to, they still seem to be in panic lockdown mode which is super annoying. I can’t just show up, I need to book in advance which is really irritating. I just want all this nonsense to be over, I know the press is lying and frankly the consequences of these policies I think has worsened the health of everyone across the country and yet people call it “protection” rather than “oppression”. So it shouldn’t be a surprise why I haven’t just slid back into my old and gold routine. In 2020 when this all started I lost access to all things that were just barely keeping me happy and sane and in that year that followed I would also lose all my liberal friends over some stupid nonsense and furthermore lose my perceived trust and connecting with my family. Basically I felt like the entire world had betrayed me and that nobody could be trusted anymore. This on top of all the bullying, neglect, abuse and other trauma in my childhood and adult life just made things so much more difficult to the point of impossible. I find it difficult to trust people more than ever yet I have to just do something.
I’ve also found that my website, this website has been messed up beyond belief. Elementor no longer seems to work and loads of bugs have appeared in the way it displays my homepage. This is annoying me as I spent loads of time making it look nice. I swear I’m never updating my website’s client again. Too much hassle of things just going wrong, the update causes more of a headache than it could ever solve so no more updates. Updates break more than they fix in my experience.
Things to do:
Gym, Job, Friends, Social Life, Self Care (like shaving), Affirmations, Get back on 21 Day Course.
Gees that was a lot of typing. I think that almost took me an hour. Alright that’s all! I’m off!