Weekend of Respite, Anxiety and Confusion – 9-12th October 2021

Weekend of Respite, Anxiety and Confusion – 9-12th October 2021

3 days. Weekend was me just trying to relax and succeeding. Had a rough one on the days prior so I just tried to get my head clear. I went out to talk to people to try and alleviate my social anxiety.

I’ve also been listening to affirmations to try and address my outlook. My outlook is so pessimistic and negative that I feel like right now I need to listen to them non-stop 24 hours per day just to maintain a barely positive mood. Seriously, I don’t think my depression has been worse than it has been the past week or so. I just feel like my death is imminent and I shouldn’t bother doing anything because only bad things happen when I do things. This is not a frame of mind I should be in. I have to replace my negative thoughts with positive thoughts, I feel like I’ve been in this situation countless times over the past few years. I tend to get sick and tired of maintaining a routine as my mood flat lines and the benefits lose their perceived benefit to my mood. This is extremely frustrating as you can tell.

Monday which was yesterday (11th) was a bit better. I got 1 hour of work done while previously I wasn’t even getting that. I didn’t feel as bad. I’m definitely eyeing getting a laptop for real now. Any excuse for me to leave the house and feign a work routine where I work away from home, I hope I can work at a library or some other place away from home. Something that keeps me at home is that I can’t do my work when I’m out. I remember having a Laptop when I was younger and it was so useful, not a perfect machine but it did what I wanted it to.

I’ve done a ton of research, now I’m deciding between a 15 and 17 inch laptop. One is big and more ergonomic while the other is more portable and would actually fit in my bag. Today I’m going to the store to test the ergonomics of a 17 inch a 15 inch laptop. Based on what I learn I’ll go from there. I hope this Laptop will help me break out of my shell a bit. My surface simply isn’t powerful or ergonomic enough to be used the way I used to use Laptops.

That’s all. I’m in a really dark place and I genuinely need as much help as I can get. I need to feel alive again, like I did in 2019 and I was genuinely happy.

I’ve got external Gym, Meditation and meeting w friends planned. I hope I can achieve something. I feel like this struggle could go on for a while.